Pinball Game

a little past two, i try to let my mind acknowledge itself.

today was an amazing day--family fun day, as my most favorite little cousin calls it. we walked along haight street, bought some cool stuff, drove to golden gate park, laid out a blanket, read books, and conversed. it isn't often that we get to do this. usually, we're seated around a giant plasma tv or dinner table at a restaurant, mesmerized by what we see on the screen or trying to have conversations across the table. today was unique in its beauty.

spending time with my cousins is one of my favorite things to do. they really mean a lot to me, especially since i know that they're the folks that i'll be able to turn to regardless of if i'm stupid or not.

one of my cousins recently got mad at me because of something i did. she told me that i was stupid, like my sister. [why, you ask?] well, my sister is one of those girls that goes crazy for boys and would do almost anything for them. i guess, for me, i am willing to do some things for women that i am unwilling to do for others. i'll put myself out of my way to take care of someone's bank account or do someone's bidding. pretty stupid, huh?

i like to think that it isn't. i often view these people that i help out as really good friends--oftentimes, however, they're women; beautiful, gorgeous, kind, gentle, friendly, understanding, sometimes bitchy, these women have had an impact on my life, just as my cousin has.

my cousin is someone that i like to think inspires me in a weird way. she puts herself in tough situations that she pulls herself out of. my family gets stressed out over these situations, and we often don't understand why or how she would put herself in these situations; regardless, we love her, and she inspires me. just as my cousin does this for me, there is someone else who has done this for me in my life.

i told her this recently. i like to think that she's pushed me to do things that i never thought i could do or ever wanted to do. a great friend, she inspires me to go further than i imagined. today, i consider PhD, JD, and MBA programs for after my MPA at maxwell--she gave me the push i needed to imagine these things. she and i are able to relate to our organizational challenges, with transition, lack of passion or understanding within our membership and, sometimes, a dirth of good examples that people can follow. i imagine that sometimes, she and i struggle through these challenges. and, it's good when we can relate to one another in this way.

what's the point of all this? well, i guess i just begin to think a lot about what i'm going to miss once i'm gone. in about a month, i'll be gone. off to the empire state to gain skills that i'll need to change the world. this is what i told them in my application:

I am ready to pursue graduate study in public administration, and through my experiences, I found my calling. As I partook in student organizing, I experienced the grassroots movement that comes along with advocacy work. As a Pilipino-American, I experience the obstacles that minority students face in college. From my experiences, I know that I will make a unique contribution to my cohort and the MPA program at the Maxwell School. I also believe I have found unique solutions to the challenges that minorities face in accessing higher education in academic preparation, outreach, and mentorship programs. Additionally, I have the vision, passion, and experience that are necessary in order to make better changes for future generations of all people.

This endeavor is proving to be as rewarding as it is challenging. I remain committed, and realize through all my experience that this, my passion, will be my life’s work. In this, my service and career will be one and the same. A Maxwell School education would be my first step toward bridging the divide between countless minorities and their chance at a better life. It is my understanding and experience, coupled with the passion for tackling my long-term goal of working in the federal government that propels me toward a graduate education; a quality education I know I would gain by attending the Maxwell School.

i was telling her a couple nights ago that i was really scared because going to graduate school would be like beginning a pinball game. i'll pull the trigger, and the ball will spring back and forth across the board. just as the ball, i'll be taken places i never imagined, scoring and losing points, going through crazy paths, touching people and places along the way... it's scary to think that this can all change my life, but it's all an endless cycle, and i'm hopeful that my cousins and my close friends will be there to meet me once i've finished playing the game.

june16 is coming.