what is infatuation?

what should i write about? love, hopes, dreams,...

a couple days ago, i had a pretty decent conversation with a friend of mine about when you first fall in love with someone. you know that puppy-love feeling you have when you first begin to like someone? it's like you're totally into the person from a far, but then again, it's all so far away. you think that your chances with this person are slim to none, but you still imagine the relationship in your mind; sometimes you have funny dreams about her.

one dream i had... recently, i've been spending a lot of time at borders, studying and hanging out with myself. i guess i'm trying to prep myself for graduate school--while i was at carnegie mellon, i spent a lot of time at kiva han doing the same. i guess that here in santa cruz my refuges are at lulu or borders. regardless, back to my dream... i was at borders studying, and i was thinking to myself that i should really tell her to meet me to study at borders. it could work well, i think. we could definitely study together, right? anyway... i'm sitting there--alone--studying. and then she walks in and sits at another table, glances over at me, and nods her head toward the chair next to her. ::i wake up::

it was a great dream, but i think it relates to one of the things that my friend and i talked about: infatuation... he was tellin me that maybe i was infatuated with this girl and that because of this, it's probably just a phase for me. while i hope that it isn't because i'd really like to get to know her more than i already do. but thinking about what he said... infatuation... i really started thinking about what infatuation really is.

i mean, lots of people think of infatuation as one of those things that crazy people fall into: a lust for an individual who you find attractive in some weird way. and surely, that sounds NO good. but then isn't infatuation where things start for many people? really though... you begin to think about the person day and night... you can't escape her from your mind... you can only think good thoughts and about how she makes you feel and act and be soooo much better than you thought you could be. that sounds crazy, doesn't it? but really, isn't infatuation where all things start out?

i begin to think that "love" is crazy. i mean, who would think that one person could make such a huge impact on one's self? this makes me think of the song because of you. i think it really talks about how much impact someone you love can have on your life, and for me, i think she's really had this impact on me. more than anything, she's "captured something inside of me," and while my dreams haven't necessarily come true... my dreams seem so much closer to becoming reality in the sense that she challenges me to do things i never really wanted or dreamed of doing.

anyway, infatuation is where it all starts... it causes a person to become (slightly) crazy and push himself to do things he never thought he could do, but then at times, it also makes a person become so much more self-conscious about his actions and the things he does. "don't embarrass yourself..." "what did you just say?" "oh man, i hope she never finds out about that..." those are the things i tell myself sometimes, but still... she's pushed me to do things that i never imagined.

argh... i feel like i'm going around in circles at this point--i think i'm tired. well, folks... comment on this entry. what is infatuation to you?